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Talk:Walk the Dragon/@comment-4295416-20141001194101
Well... Where to start here? -.- (Expect comparisons to other contest stories) Firstly, I was really confused by some stuff here. Namely the anachronism. Some lines just felt out of the One Piece world o much, that I couldn't help but pause and be like:"Whaat?" Examples of this is int he Noble Prize line, dollars instead of beli. I think it is important if you state it is in the One Piece world to stick to its rules. The suit also looked pretty futuristic and the fact that they wear it to interview pirates is a bit odd, but you know, it still works. Another confusing moment was when Yoza woke up after being unconscious. You said that she noted that she was in her human form then transformed back... But then a few lines after said she didn't realize she was in her human form until then and reverted back after Noodle carried her 0.0 I feel like you would have noticed this through a proof read so... It struck me as weird and confusing mess up. Another one was when the Admiral was referenced, it sounded like Akainu but AKainu as we all know is no longer one of the three Admirals that respond to the World Nobles shinanigans... So I was left a bit more confused by the time line of the story here even more. The grammar here... Well... There were many grammatical mistakes... Almost no usage of commas or full stops when characters speak... Commas should be nside the quotation marks... Missing question marks... And many other grammatical and spelling errors. I find this to be the biggest fault of the story, and it' sad that something like this is huge and throughout the whole thing. HOWEVER, the descriptions themselves were good. I was entertained by the attention you payed to explaining how the characters was feeling and describing stuff, everything was in simple format yet detailed enough for my tastes. As I said, liked how you described how the characters are feeling and even some of their past experiences at times. So I LIKE the writing, just too bad it was not complete because of the grammar. The setting was a bit strange, but I like it. The newspapaer company felt a bit futuristic, as I said, but was an interesting location nonetheless. I mean, this is rarely seen in sotries before, so I was curious to see where it was going. The start was also kind of weird because I started thinking the story was gonna be a parody of what is going on with you and the contest -.- I am kinda curious how you started writing it... Just wrote your exact situation and let it all go from there? XD Hmm... The characters were interesting. I liked Yoza's personality and enjoyed her back and forth with Noodle. Other characters were not as notable but were present and I liked more or less everyone (maybe except Inuyaha =_=) I like that the focus was not on the pirates, but the way they popped up was perfect. They were foreshadowed and expected to be in the story but appeared in a different way than a viewer would expect (a viewer would expect Noodle finding them and interviewing them, for example) We didn't see much of them, but they were not the focus of the story and were just there for the ride. I kind of hoped Cooper was mentioned more to make his death an emotional scene, I think an addition or mention of Cooper by the two main characters would have helped us feel more for him. But I did like how his death was executed. Noodle was also a good protagonist as he was sort of relatable to everybody and not some guy with crazy powers or anything. In that regard, I really like the approach you took with the story. It is NEW and DIFFERENT than the others. This is something I wanted to see; the focus was not on pirates or anything, but on the events and the characters which all work in favor of the theme. You felt the theme of the story here really easily in comparison to others. I really like this fresh take on things... It really kept me interested in seeing how this goes (I was getting a bit cautious with the whole Noodle and Yoza date... Where was this going? =_=) And I ended up like the flow of events. In that regard, I really enjoyed the plot here. Combat doesn't really need to be addressed here because it wasn't the focus nor was it plenty. Just gotta say that the suit was cool, and the monk looking guard of the World Noble (Motaru?) Was powerful indeed, almost makes me wish to see his battle with the pirates. Taking out a Pacifista is kinda questionable, but it comes back to how powerful the laser gun is. The story didn't feel too OPish, but that wasn't what the story was going for. It is hard to want a OP feel out of this because it's a different take and a different view on things... It is not really about the pirates but rather about the reporter and his "family". But it still happened in the OP world, and in that regard, it is not OPish compared to the others. I mentioned that the theme was powerful and would resonate with people, but I do wish some things were fleshed out a bit more. Especially the family relationship between Cooper, Noodle, and Yoza. I feel this would have driven the family theme home much more. The class discussions and Noodle questioning why they were bowing for the World Noble was interesting and thought provoking. I really like that the story feels to be based on its themes rather than the others were the themes do not feel the main part of the story. All in all, interesting themes and how they came to... I really like that. The ending... was unexpected. It did feel powerful though, so nice work. Finally, I really enjoyed this. The story felt refreshing, new, deep, and interesting. How the events progressed was surprising yet efficient in the sense that it flowed well... So yeah, I really liked a lot of this, too bad the grammar had to be such an issue... Even though the grammar did not take away from my enjoyment of the story, we still need to write in proper English for the most part. And I can see this being an issue for other readers. With that said and done, I still think you did a nice job, Noodle. Keep it up.